Marshall McLuhan

Is it just me or should he have a better website?

I know the powers that be would have commissioned it on his behalf, but right now its message is "this website was designed by historians and not people who have a firm grasp on the medium". 

Unless it's a grand scheme/experiment to see if anyone would notice or challenge whether or not it engages people, I have a giant irony headache.

Marshall- a little help?

A little segment I'm starting...

Overheard on the 29 Dufferin Bus:

"If you don't learn how to be polite- I'm going to smash your head through the fucking window."

Cohen-A-Grams (What I do with my time)

Of Bicycles and Sidewalks

I live in Toronto and I'm a pedestrian.

Cars don't like me and I've made my peace with them, in that I often jaywalk because it's safer than using an intersection. I'm used to motorists seeing yellow lights as a challenge and right turns into a herd of crossing pedestrians as a bonus round. But the sidewalk...that beautiful, Dentyne-defiled, granite paradise...she used to be mine.

I took her everywhere. When I went to see The Cable Guy on the hardest-earned babysitting money of my life- she was there. When I waited for a Blue Night bus to whisk me into a dreamland of clumsy pickups and terrible life choices- she was there. A bit damper perhaps, but a refuge nonetheless.

Then something changed...

In the ever-present battle for movement, cyclists and pedestrians have grown closer. Very close. Uncomfortably close. True cyclists- the ones that wear moisture-wicking fabric, perform in IRON MANS and possess the ability to re-shape a damaged frame from their titanium gonads- would never be caught dead on the sidewalk. If my own experiences in the past year are any indication, these people account for about 2% of the cycling population.

Roughly 8 times in the past few months, I have experienced moments that go something like this:

*Walk with friend on sidewalk
*Turn head roughly 2.5 inches so our conversation carries on the age-old tradition of "eye-contact"
*Cyclist blazes past skin, leaving a safe distance of 6 nanometers, naturally making sure to avoid all forms of audio cues including bells and speech
*Heart rate surges / belief in the frailty of life strengthens

Recently I was almost struck by someone on a UNICYCLE. Granted, they were clearly learning how to ride a unicycle. Luckily, they decided to hedge their safety bets by picking a major route filled with people / streetcar tracks (Bathurst) and donning an IPOD. As comical as that collision would have been for spectators- I'm sure our respective spleens would have felt differently.

Some cyclists, in their fear of vehicles, have forgotten that when it comes to inflicting injuries- they are NOT at the bottom of the hierarchy illustrated in simple math below:

Tractor Trailers > SUVS > Toyota Echo > Cyclists > Pedestrians

I'll take it another step.

Things Bicycles have: wheels, spokes, sharp metal, more assorted 'impale-y' things
Things People have: soft tissues, kidneys, loved ones (generally)

Some cyclists also forget that pedestrians have curious habits like changing their pace, stopping or taking a step that may veer slightly to the left. Assuming that you can speed past without acknowledging your existence, is a bad plan for all parties involved.

To the bicycle warriors that brave Queen street, with all of its obstacles and threats- my hat goes off to you. I'd feel safer ensconced in a quilt of tainted syringes, which is what propelled me to stop riding when I moved here.

If it's a side street, you make your presence known and you're under 6 years of age- I'll gladly share the sidewalk.

Otherwise- leave it alone. My guardian angel is tired of shitting its pants.

And I'm assuming yours is too.

Velkommen?

Normally I welcome people with a terse nod. They like that. It really makes you feel like hey I exist!

You'll also know that the dream where no one acknowledged you because you had passed on to the spirit world was all in your head. Unless it was one of those posthumous acknowledgments and I'm the only one who saw you.... Then after a few times of meeting each other, we don't know whether to hug or shake hands because both gestures feel awkward. Plus you're still trying to figure out if you're dead and I'm supposed to learn the truth about something that will likely leave emotional scars.

I'm a little leery of this whole arrangement.

PS- I will shift from leery to optimistically cautious if you at least teach me: 

a) the true meaning of the holidays

b) more about myself / how to avoid incurring your wrath

PPS- Hey "Styles of Writing" textbook that I purchased  in 2003, see how I switched from "they" to "you" in the beginning of this post? Well that's occasionally going to happen 'round these parts. Also- I like dashes. Now why don't you make yourself at home near a first year humanities paper on some groundbreaking subject like ' Reading to Your Children Aids Literacy!'**

**My apologies to the writers behind Yahoo headlines. I am eagerly awaiting "Tis the Season to WASH THOSE HANDS: Winter 2009 Tips for the Common Cold."